I’ve been told, recently, that God will never take anything from you required for life, required for your existence. It’s a hard concept for me to consider, much less grasp, because I love so big. So deep. I need my spouse, my kids, my parents, my dearest friend (fill in the blank) or I’ll just die.
When you walk through the valley of the shadow, you realize your not dead. You may be crawling at first, and not walking. You may wish you were dead some moments, but by God’s grace, you don’t just die.
It’s almost been a year since Isabella died and I still experience firsts that leave me bitter and angry and overwhelmed by grief all over again. Out of nowhere.
When I’m complimented on how in shape I look, or stronger, or fit, I realize that if I had an infant to take care of, stay up late with and pour into I wouldn’t have the time, energy, or desire to focus on myself. When I get to stay out late with Mike and friends enjoying dinner and drinks, I’m mentally distracted thinking how I should be home rocking a little girl. This is not always the case, but when we recently visited a local venue we’d not been to since before Isabella was even dreamed of, prior pregnancy, prior her birth, death, COVID- I just missed her tremendously.
I’ve heard people say that the hard times and even loss of someone they love dearly brought them closer to God. I don’t think I would have said that for myself until the last few weeks. I’m attending a GriefShare class at my church (my church that, if I’m honest, I’ve only attended a handful of times in the last year). I’ve struggled going to loss groups, classes or infant loss support groups. I couldn’t tell you exactly why, it just wasn’t what I wanted at the time. But I continued therapy through December 2020, however the co$t and the time (hello LATE nights and juggling children…) had become alot.
When I heard this class was staring in 2021 I had to jump in. I was familiar with the class, but didn’t know how much it would be a part of my healing. I figured it would be a safe place to be around others who were grieving the loss of a loved one. To share. To be poured into and reminded of God’s truths, EVEN when, ESPECIALLY when I didn’t feel them. And, hey, if I didn’t like it, I just wouldn’t go.
But here we are, about ten weeks later.
My only prayer for months had been “help me.” I didn’t want to sing, “you’re faithful God” or “you’re a good, good Father” or “I’ll praise the God who gives, and takes away.” Opening my Bible left me feeling lost. Where do I start? How do I reconcile my life and these words or anything I’ve believed and my experienced and the church??? And my baby girl is dead… How is this supposed to be okay???
The support of friends has held me up, has held our family up. The love and prayers of strangers has strengthened us. GriefShare has given me practical applications and baby steps toward reminding myself of God’s goodness. Toward healing. This is my life; I don’t want to be bitter, angry, sorrowful and anxious forever.
I’m not “there.” I’m not okay. But, I’m choosing to be grateful for my daughter’s life, for the three hours we got to hold her close, and the joy she brought to our lives. Her life was not an accident, her precious existence was not an afterthought or mistake. I will never have answers or know why. But, I’m becoming more okay with the not knowing, trusting a God that I can’t explain or understand all the time. Taking the first steps by faith.
The Lord gives and The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.