One year. One year without our little girl. All of these “firsts” have been much harder than I anticipated, and Isabella’s birthday has been no different whatsoever. Christmas- was hard. But, Valentines Day, Easter..?? I never thought those would sneak up on me and pierce like they did. Buying Valentine treats for our kiddos, no Isabella. Easter bunnies and books for baskets, no Isabella. And today she’d be ONE!
Baby’s First Birthday and photos and new outfits and all the things for the party and the gifts. These are what I felt like I lost, when I lost her. A lifetime of memories.
I knew today would be hard. After a year of sneak grief attacks, I knew. So I worked a half day and tired to give myself space, time, peace. No plans and just sit in it. Feel really uncomfortable wanting my girl, all over again.
I sent flowers to the hospital where she was born, to be delivered today. “Congratulations on your precious baby. In memory of our daughter, Isabella Joy. 4/21/20” the card read. I’ve prayed for that mama alot today.
I’ve received cards, flowers, even a beautiful blue vitex tree we want to plant today in our front yard. But the weather is colder than it should be for the end of April, cloudy and gray. Much like the day of her birth.
There was so much anxiety and fear leading up to that moment, I had known for four months my daughter was sick, wouldn’t live, and yet she seem very alive and happy in my belly. It wasn’t fair, and it was so hard to come to terms with. Anticipating the worst. The evitable. My dearest friend took photos of the sunrise and sunset on that day and had them framed for me- reminders of Gods handiwork. That the world is still spinning. And God has not forgotten me.
It’s taken me awhile to work through this mess of grief. I think it will take me a very long time. I’ve learned some lessons, like to stop asking Why? That I will never know.
I am still so grateful to be Isabella’s mom. To have had her in my life, if for only nine months. To sing to her, dance with her, have her siblings draw her pictures and her daddy kiss my belly and feel her kicks.
We are celebrating her today. Her life that got cut way too short for this mama. We think of her daily. Talk of her often. Include her in our lives and I miss her more than I ever new I could miss another human being.
Happy Birthday, Isabella Joy.